So my emotional imbalances are no secret to this diary; we're not really sure what is 'wrong', suffice to say that something is indeed wrong with how I take each day, or every few hours. Sometimes it feels like I'm not in the driving seat, and some angry, eternally bored monster is piloting my every move while I look on. Sometimes I get panic attacks if I get too worked up about something, and sometimes I feel the urge (though no longer indulge the practice) of cutting myself to relieve some kind of mental pressure.

It's all very odd. And I have no insurance, so therefore cannot affordably seek professional help with this.

Lately though, things have been reaching a new level of weird for me, and it's becoming a pretty large worry.

In the last week I have had a panic attack, and an uncontrollable bout of sobbing, after sex. This happened once before, a year or so ago, but I chalked it up to monumental orgasm at the time and filed the memory away. These last two times were after quite satisfactory, but not exactly life changing, sex...the kind normal married folks try to squeeze in after the kids have gone to bed I suppose. Nothing out of the ordinary in either direction.

There was no thought process I can remember between the end of the sex and the beginning of these odd emotional break downs that give me any insight into their cause. Seth and I are happy, nothing weird going on there, and the booty was, of course, welcome. I actually don't feel this has anything to do with him at all, as he's never been anything but perfect for me.

However, I do have a suspicion, and I don't like the way it's going.

My mom once told me that my father, at some point in their marriage, thought that my brother was molesting me. I don't remember anything like that transpiring, but I was only 3 or four when they separated, so I might not even remember something like that. Everything I know wants to say that this is impossible; my brother and I were always close, I practically worshiped him. Surely if he'd ever violated me I wouldn't have loved him so much, right?

I remember one of the last times I saw him, he was going to get married and I had gone to sleep over at his and his future wife's house. I was laying on the couch, and he came to sit and lean over to give me a hug, and I remember drawing back. I'm not sure why I did it, but I pulled back and away at first, before mentally chiding myself for such a response. Why did I do that? It bothered me for YEARS. Then, after he died, mom told me about my father's suspicions, and now with this happening, I can't help but wonder if his claims held some validity.

I'm just not sure what made him suspect such a thing, which would be the the most important part. Did he have proof? or just a suspicion?

I need to ask him, but I'm scared he'll think I'm just trying to confront him about it or something. I just want to know what he knew, so I can get a step closer in figuring out what the fuck is wrong with me.

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